Texting Conversations: Lestrade and Sherlock
by bandnerd21
Summary: Sherlock has always preferred to text. And some of his conversations get a little odd! Collaboration between three others, partner fic with charliebrown1234's "Texting Conversations: Mycroft and Sherlock." R&R!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hiya! So, charliebrown1234, BlinkingAngel, and I got bored last night/right now, changed names in our phones, and had conversations with each other as characters from Sherlock. I was Lestrade, BlinkingAngel was Sherlock, and charliebrown1234. This is half of the result of our messing around.

The other half is charliebrown1234's "Text conversations: Mycroft and Sherlock." Go read it. NOW! *smiles sweetly* enjoooooy!

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><p><strong>Sherlock, we have a new case.<br>GL**

Lestrade! You can't just steal my clever way of signing off texts!  
>SH<p>

**Oh dear God, I'm not even going to try to argue with you...  
>GL<strong>

Good. You and I both know that arguing will only end in me being right. And maybe a few tears. On a good day.  
>SH<p>

**You being right- I don't have time for this! We have a new case, come down to the Yard.  
>GL<strong>

Be right there.  
>SH<p>

**Are you using again...?  
>GL<strong>

Depends, using what? I'm using a couch at the moment.  
>SH<p>

**Sherlock, you're being deliberately obtuse.  
>GL <strong>

No I'm not. I am completely equilateral.  
>SH<p>

**And now you're just being completely ridiculous  
>GL<strong>

Ridiculous? Ridiculous? This. Is. LONDON.  
>SH<p>

Now I'm using a chair.  
>SH<p>

**Yeah... You're using again. Don't actually come. I don't want Anderson making more of an ass of himself than usual  
>GL<strong>

Then I apologize for your near-future disappointment. Anderson can't help what's in his nature.  
>SH<p>

**If you don't come, I won't be disappointed. Unless you want me to call another drugs bust...?  
>GL <strong>

I'll come. Not using anything. I've been four days without sleep. Thinking. What's the case?  
>SH<p>

**Four days? Sherlock, people need sleep. Like it or not, you are people.  
>You don't get to know about the case until you get some sleep.<br>GL**

Fine.  
>SH<p>

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><p>So, um... you should review!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Soo... BlinkingAngel asked me (a couple times) to post the rest of our conversation. So here's part 2! One more part, and I'm done for the night!**

**She also asked me to post that this was a completely ad libbed conversation that we actually had while roleplaying and to apologize for any randomness.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>H<strong>**ow's the conversation with your brother going?**

**GL**

Ah Mycroft being Mycroft and griping about a few stolen cameras that may or may not have been taken by me.  
>SH<p>

**You're taking CCTV cameras down to spite your brother? Again?  
><strong>**GL**

Well to be fair, I never really took them. I stashed them in his flat. It's not my fault that he ignores the obvious.  
>SH<p>

**You still took them in order to "stash them in his flat," Sherlock!  
>GL<br>**  
>I borrowed them<br>SH

**Borrowed with no intent on returning, correct?  
>GL<br>**  
>Borrowed with all intent on returning, thank you very much! I'll not be chided like a child.<br>SH

**Sherlock, have you ever willingly returned any of the cameras you took and hid from your brother?  
>GL<strong>

Yes, I put them in his flat. Again, it is not my fault that he ignores the obvious.  
>SH<p>

**Hiding isn't the same as returning.  
>... Where in his flat did you hide them, anyway...?<br>GL  
><strong>  
>Are you sure? Let's just say that I probably know his flat better than he does.<br>SH

**We're not mincing words, Sherlock. This is technically theft of government property. One of these days your brother will give something else to do when you're bored: sit in a jail for a few days, just so he can laugh at you. And I'm most definitely not bailing you out!  
>GL<strong>

You're overreacting. It's not theft if I promptly give them back to the owner. And they were his private property, not the government's. Now about that case you mentioned...?  
>SH<p>

**Have you slept?  
>GL<strong>

Yes, mummy.  
>SH<p>

**Well, with John gone on that vacation, someone has to make sure you don't drop dead.  
>When's he coming back, anyway?<br>GL**

Next week. Thank you for your concern but ill have you know that I am perfectly capable of keeping myself alive. When my balance gets off, eat something. When my vision goes black, drink something. Not too difficult.  
>SH<p>

**When you fall on your arse, get a few hours of sleep.  
>Either way, the case: been getting calls in about a "vampire." Lady by the name Harson is convinced that her husband is a Romanian vampire. Case files at the Yard.<br>GL**

Hmm unusual. I'll be right there.  
>SH<p>

**Everyone's stumped on this one. Let me know when you find something.  
>GL<strong>

My favorite kind of case. Any murders that may be linked? If so, where? And I'm going to need an address.

SH

**No murders at the moment, but a child with obvious bite marks on his neck. Supposedly the husband, Costel, is a vampire and sucking the blood of their youngest child.  
>The entire family is at the yard if you care to stop by. Might be easier than travelling to <strong>**Sussex****.  
>GL<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: this is the last part of the conversation from last night. There'll be more plot and fun to come later, but I wanted to wrap this up.

Enjoy, and I don't own Sherlock :)

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><p><strong>Sherlock, what in God's name have you done to Anderson?<br>GL**

I'm afraid you'll have to elaborate.

SH

**He's sitting in a corner. It seems you've rendered him both speechless and catatonic. All I did was ask you to talk to the family!  
>GL<strong>

How was I to know that he's cripplingly superstitious? You'd never guess. I just noticed how tense he got when he saw the file then nearly fainted when I started talking to the family. Can't say there wasn't just a little sadistic pleasure when I talked to him later.

SH

**Well, can't say that I blame you... He always has been an arse. And as long as it wasn't really your fault, I'll send him home. I'm sure he'll be fine by morning  
>GL<strong>

Yes. And you should probably take him off the case. He'll slow the whole thing down.

SH

**You know he'd pitch a fit if I took him off the case, Sherlock! Just think that'd slow you down even more. How about I keep him away from the voodoo, eh? **

**Anderson, superstitious... Never would have guessed  
>GL<strong>

It's not voodoo, it's clever trickery. And Anderson will pitch a fit about something anyway, if about nothing but the fact that I'm on the case. Just keep him out of the action, he won't get in the way.

SH

**Somehow, you always manage to keep Anderson out of your way...  
>GL<strong>

He's intimidated.  
>SH<p>

**He's also apparently scared witless by vampires. Just don't rub it in his face too much. I do need him  
>GL<strong>

Please, Lestrade. Do you really believe that I would stoop to mockery? I'm more mature than that.  
>SH<p>

**Sometimes I'm not so sure... Particularly when you're bored  
>GL<strong>

I appreciate your confidence. You deal with me because you need me and don't have a choice. The entire department is stumped on a simple case just because it looks like something supernatural. All I'm saying is don't push me because I'm the only one who can solve this.  
>SH<p>

**I've said it before, God help us all, yes, I do need you.  
>Simple, hm? Does that mean you already have it solved?<br>Has it ever occurred to your brilliant mind that maybe part of the reason I tolerate you is because I like to consider you a friend?  
>GL <strong>

Hm. And nearly solved.

SH

**Of course it is. May I ask what your mind has come up with as the solution?**

**GL**

They have a bloody cat. Did no one notice that? The kid woke up one morning with a bite mark on his neck where their old, disgruntled cat bit him. The wife is also quite superstitious, automatically jumping to a supernatural conclusion. And finally, just because a man is very pale, hardly sleeps or eats, enjoys foreign lands, and seems detached does not mean that he is a vampire. Hell, that would classify me as a vampire. Superstitions are always so ridiculous. See: simple.  
>SH<p>

**Brilliant... How'd you know the cat bit him? Saliva in the wound?  
>GL <strong>

Please, I had the whole thing solved by just looking at the lot. First off, the puncture wounds were tiny, surely too small to match sharpened human canines. second, it was a fresh wound, but no bruising. If there were any blood forcibly taken, going along with the vampire theme, there would be at least slight bruising. Third, there were more than two puncture wounds making it look much more like a cat bite, as opposed to a human bite, or vampire in this case, which would only be two large holes. Finally, it was easy to see that that cat hated him.  
>SH<p>

**The cat hated him? My lord... Definitely one of the strangest non-murder cases I've ever seen.  
>GL<strong>

One of the easiest I've ever seen.

SH

**Of course it was… Job well Sherlock**

**GL**

Thank you, Lestrade. I expect you can handle the rest.

SH

**Not much to be handled except paperwork. Of course, if you want to help with that, I won't get in your way…**

**GL**

Sorry, I don't do paperwork. Or people. Thank you for the case, it certainly has been interesting

SH

**Glad you enjoyed it, Sherlock. Good night**

**GL**

Good night, Lestrade.

SH

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><p>So um... yeah. Review! :)<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So... Not many readers, but oh well! This is fun!

Enjoy :)

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><p>Have you got anything new for me?<br>SH

**Not yet, Sherlock. We just finished wrapping up the vampire case.  
>GL<strong>

Ugh but I'm bored. That vampire case was EASY! Can't you find a serial killer of something?  
>SH<p>

**Sure, let me just go pull one out of thin air...  
>GL<strong>

Well hurry up  
>SH<p>

**Yes, your highness  
>GL<strong>

**Y'know, when you ask for a specific type of case, sometimes I wish that isn't what happens...  
>GL<strong>

I know. But, I always wish for the same type of cases. Complicated, obscure, preferably genius serial killers. Is that too much to ask for?  
>SH<p>

**When there's a pile of dead bodies with no apparent link, yes, it is a little  
>GL<strong>

When there's a pile of dead bodies and no apparent link, you know where to find me.  
>SH<p>

**Basic details: 3 dead, all uni students, different universities, different majors, between ages of 19-23  
>Only link: all male, killed the same way<br>GL**

Be at the yard in 20 minutes.  
>SH<p>

**I'm sure you'll find something  
>GL<strong>

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><p><strong>Any leads yet?<br>GL**

Not yet.  
>SH<p>

**All right. And you'll be happy to know that John's come back from his vacation.  
>Also, I'll give you the list of majors: 19- majored in chemistry. 22- majored in literature. 23- majored in theatrical acting<br>GL**

Yes, I know. Thank you. I'll get back to you when I find something.  
>SH<p>

**And the students were poisoned, I'm sure you know. Injected in the right arm, no sign of a struggle  
>GL<strong>

Has forensics found what poison?

SH

**Mixture of cyanide and arsenic  
>GL<strong>

Alright  
>SH<p>

**Anderson just texted. Said they found something on the right foot of the 19-year-old. It's a cipher, think you could take a look at it?  
>GL<strong>

Absolutely. Sure is a crafty killer. Love ciphers.  
>SH<p>

**Know that all too well! Ha  
>GL<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry I didn't post this when the conversation happened, I got kind of overrun with homework! So, without further adiue (? I just tried three different spellings, and I still probably got it wrong!) Here's the solution to the case of our poor, dead Uni students.

And don't forget to review. They make me quite unbearably happy:))))))) -see? Toldya!

I do not own. I am not nearly as cool as Moffat or the late great Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Ok, I'm done...

Maybe not...

Ok, for real this time. Enjoy!

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><p>Multi-university fraternity.<br>SH

**What?  
><strong>**GL**

The case. All three men were up to be in a multi-university fraternity.  
>SH<p>

**And...? You'll have to spell this one out for me, Sherlock.  
>GL<strong>

The "cipher" was a symbol of the group. All of them got rejected from the fraternity and killed by the leader in their sleep. The one with the mark got in the group but got suspicious. He confronted the leader and was killed in a struggle. If you look, you'll find slight bruising around the injection location.  
>SH<p>

**So the leader killed the rejects?  
>GL<strong>

Yes, thank you for reiterating what I just said.  
>SH<p>

**I needed to clarify a bit. Any idea as to why? And do you have the man with you, or do I have to track him down?  
>GL<strong>

Some vital information to the group is revealed during initiation. And Sally has him at the yard.  
>SH<p>

**Vital information... Sounds like more than just a fraternity, then…  
>Thanks a ton, Sherlock.<br>GL**

You may also want to know that he has bricks of marijuana stuffing his car seats. You can turn it over to the drug squad from there.  
>SH<p>

**Drug running fraternities... Sometimes I wonder why we can't just have plain old "jilted lover kills ex" cases...  
>GL<strong>

Ahh but these are much more interesting.  
>SH<p>

**I'm sure if we ever did get a case like that, you'd wonder why I was bothering you with it, right?  
>GL<strong>

Mhm. I would hope that for your own sake you could figure that out.  
>SH<p>

**Yes, but then how would you entertain yourself? Blowing holes in the wall of your flat?  
>GL<strong>

No, Mrs. Hudson took my gun. Violin, people watching, answering life's most pressing questions.  
>SH<p>

**Good for her! Life's most pressing questions?  
>GL<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

Really short, but it's the rest of the last conversation we had. Enjoy

I don't know when I'll be posting more... I need to think up a case (unless anyone has a suggestion for a good beginning... I could take it from there...)

Do not own :)

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><p>Like the chicken or the egg (chicken obviously came first), or pondering various paradoxes.<br>SH

**But then where did the chicken come from?  
>GL<strong>

Lestrade, please. Shouldn't you spend your time thinking about more important things?  
>SH<p>

**There isn't a case on at the moment, so what would you have me think about?  
>Besides, I want to hear your opinion.<br>GL**

I don't ask where it came from. I just use simple deduction: when you have eliminated the impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. A chicken's egg would freeze and die if there were no chicken to sit on it. It couldn't be sat upon by any other animal because any other animal would see it as easy food; whereas a chicken would feel a maternal instinct for it and keep it alive. So therefore, there was obviously a chicken in order for there to be an egg to ponder about. Plain, simple deduction.  
>SH<p>

**What about those stories you hear about on the telly? Where an animal has taken care of another animal's young?  
>And once again I ask where did the chicken come from? "I don't think about it" doesn't cut it.<br>GL**

Stop asking trivial questions and go back to filing parking violations or whatever it is that police do.  
>SH<p>

**Somebody's snarky... I guess I'll leave you to your boredom, then. I'll call around when I've got a new case.  
>GL<strong>

Not quite boredom. John showed up with haz mat bags and milk and eventually was driven away by violin and the lovely smells of decomposing flesh. And please, don't hesitate.  
>SH<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

*warily climbs out of hole in the wall* Well... We're not dead, guys... So, here's the new chappie. Don't have much to say except it's been a while (too many Reichen-feels to text). This an unedited version of our conversation, so I hope you'll forgive any OOC-ness.

We do not own Sherlock.

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><p>Lestrade<br>SH

Don't be angry. I'm alive.  
>SH<p>

Is this really you? Can't tell you how many fakes I've gotten texts from, really don't have the time to deal with another one.  
>-GL<p>

Of course it's me. Don't you have my mobile number saved?  
>SH<p>

I got a new mobile. Damn memory chip didn't save any of the numbers I had  
>-GL<p>

Well, being dead is surprisingly boring. Have you anything I can do undercover?  
>SH<p>

Don't tell John. Or anyone for that matter.  
>SH<p>

How the hell do I know it's really you?!  
>-GL<p>

Really, you need proof? Exactly how many frauds have there been?  
>SH<p>

Enough... Not to mention you've been legally dead for about six months, so forgive me if I'm a little skeptical.  
>-GL<p>

You and I are the only people that know my skull is not real. I had to tell you this when you were questioning me about how I got it.  
>That's how you recruited me. My neighbour called worried about the smell of decay coming from my flat. You came in to investigate.<br>Believe me now?  
>SH<p>

I believe you... I just have one more question: how the hell did you fake this?  
>-GL<p>

Ah ah ah, a good magician never reveals his secrets.  
>Now, do you have a case I can work on?<br>SH

Good god, Sherlock... Well, it's nice to know you haven't changed while being dead.  
>Give me a moment, I need to look through the case files. London's underground has been growing quieter. I assume you had something to do with that?<br>-GL

Thank you. And yes, I've been whittling down Moriarty's men. I have to wait and watch for the next one to be in position, so I have some free time. I hate free time.  
>SH<p>

Oh, trust me, I know. What is it you always say? Your mind "resists stagnation?"  
>-GL<p>

Yes. It is however, sadly, not impervious to it. Case?  
>SH<p>

All right, give me a second.  
>-GL<p>

I have no other choice. Oh, and you may want to know that if I ever make contact with you, I'll be ginger and wearing a fake nose. A necessary precaution so as not to reveal my identity.  
>SH<p>

O... Kay, then. Why ginger, for curiosity's sake?  
>-GL<p>

It was the first one I grabbed. I had to get in and out of the shop fast, seeing as I recently died.  
>SH<p>

Ah, all right. I have to say, you as a ginger must be quite a sight.  
>Also, getting a call from Donovan. I'll see what she wants, it may just be a case for you.<br>-GL

Alright. But don't tell her that you are hiring a consultant. Also, I hear that you've been occasionally calling on John for cases, but don't let him on this one.  
>SH<p>

Of course. I have no problem omitting things from Donovan.  
>Afraid you'll run into him during the case?<br>-GL

Yes. And he would recognize my voice. You of course know that you cannot tell anyone. Not a word.  
>SH<p>

Of course, Sherlock. Just give me an estimate, how much longer do you think you'll be in hiding?  
>-GL<p>

Hard to say. I'm not coming out of hiding until I'm sure that every last one of Moriarty's pawns are dead. I can tell they're starting to get nervous, but I've yet to see an end.  
>SH<p>

Well hurry it up. None of us have really been the same since you died. Particularly John.  
>-GL<p>

It was necessary. I will come back, it'll just take some time.  
>SH<p>

All right. I understand. Just hurry back. If not for any of the pricks here at SY, including myself, then for John.  
>-GL<p>

I'll do what I can. I've not been idle, you know.  
>SH<p>

I realize this. Oh, and I have a case. I'll send the information over shortly.  
>-GL<p>

Thank you. I apologize if I take a bit longer, if I find one of my targets, that takes priority.  
>SH<p>

Of course. As long as we get results.  
>-GL<p>

Of course.  
>SH<p>

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><p>So, as per usual, review and follow. Next chapter will start the case! See y'all then!<p>

-Zoe (Bandnerd21)


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